Dear Noel,
I brought the lads away for a training camp in Playa des Ingles last month. The club officers came along, too.

Things got a bit out of hand. Nothing major – just a few unexpected brushes with transvestism, two lads invited by the apartment manager to find accommodation elsewhere, some ground hurling with a Camogie team from down the country, complaints about the rattle of the steel cogs in the corridor at night, a burger thrown at a moustachioed bar singer from Co. Mayo just as he was winding up for the last chorus of Peaceful, Easy Feeling.

Nothing you wouldn’t see in any small town in Ireland any weekend night.
But the chairman’s made a song and dance about it. He’ll resign if players aren’t suspended. In hindsight, the lads probably shouldn’t have fired him up on the carousel in Waterford Airport.

If the players are suspended, we haven’t a hope in the divisional junior championship this year. The chairman has forgotten that both training sessions went great in Playa des Ingles. You can’t make hermits out of lads either.
What should I do, Noel?

- Lar, club manager, Co. Carlow

Dear Noel,
I’m on the county panel for the last five years. I haven’t nailed down a starting position yet, but I am generally of an optimistic disposition.

Last week, during one-on-one meetings with the entire panel, the manager told me I was a good, reliable, hard-working member of the squad. I was very encouraged, but the more I thought about it, I became very annoyed.

Is he trying to tell me something? I play centre half-forward for my club. I’m a librarian. Maybe I obsess too much. Am I mad?

- Donnchadh (22), address withheld

Dear Noel,

I’m managing our club team and am keen to get any edge I can. What do you recommend for half-time food intake, Noel?

I’m not long back from London.

- Vincent, West Waterford

Dear Noel,

I am a former free-taker. I’ve been asked to do free-taking coaching with a neighbouring club, but don’t know what to charge.

I was thinking about an innovative pricing structure based on what their free-taker scores in league and championship matches.

Basically, my idea is that I would get a €10 meal voucher for every 14-yard free he taps over. For anything he nails between there and 30 yards out, they give me a leg of organic lamb. From there to the 50, I’m entitled to a half-fill of petrol.

A straight €50 for all 50s he sends over, and an overnight in a Lynch Hotel for anything he gets out beyond that. If the goalie points a kick-out, I’d be suggesting a ride-on lawnmower.

I’d appreciate your views on this proposed structure, Noel. I’d like to get this right from the off.

- Deadly Don, Dundalk.

Dear Noel,
I was a centre half-forward all my life, with all the glamour that implies. My ten year-old came home from school today and told me he wants to be a full-back. Is there anything I can do?

He’s Aries, headstrong. My wife says I should be more tolerant of minorities. I drive a taxi.

- Jimmy, Lower Limerick.

Dear Noel,

I’m keen to get an edge. I was thinking about refusing to shake hands with my direct opponent before games. What do you think?

- Sean (22), West Laois.

Dear Noel,

I’m in a terrible state.

I really fancy this guy who plays hurling. He captains his school team and stuff.

But I know nothing about hurling. I go to a private school and play hockey.

I’d like to ask this guy to my Debs. My friends think I’m being anarchic to repay my parents for a sheltered upbringing.

But I really fancy him, Noel. I’ve never seen him without that funny helmet thing he wears, but I hear he’s drop-dead gorgeous.

What can I do?

- Natasha (18), Cork city.

Pat, Patrickswell – “Yes, it was me who said it first, Pat – feedback IS the breakfast of champions. A good bowl of porridge goes a long way too in our climate.”

Louis, club chairman – “Thanks Noel for your advice about how to handle the Teagasc Advisor managing our team. The lads are flying. Last week he hypnotised one of our corner-forwards and told him he’d wake up thinking he was Peter Canavan. Next day he scored 2-3 (0-1f) in a top-of-the-table clash. We now play The Ride of the Valkyries over the public address system before home matches.”